Archive for May 2009
Intimacy
May 27, 2009, 3:19 amLate night… May 26, 2009… Home… The frogs singing.
Barely home from 4 days in Seattle at the Folklife Festival. Arrived home last night, but have spent little time home today or this evening. The 4 days were a luscious time of dancing & playing in the sun. (Yes, sun in Seattle over Memorial Day weekend!) Much more about this later… But what do I find at the center of my musings tonight? Intimacy.
What is intimacy?
A search of definitions;
Intimacy
Pronunciation:
.in.t.m.se.
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural intimacies
Date: 1641
1 : the state of being intimate : familiarity 2 : something of a personal or private nature
Merriam-Websters
1. Familiarity: close or warm friendship; "the absence of fences created a mysterious intimacy in which no one knew privacy"
2. Affair: a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship
3. Closeness: a feeling of being intimate and belonging together; "their closeness grew as the night wore on"
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
The meaning of intimacy varies from relationship to relationship, and within a given relationship. Intimacy has more to do with rituals of connection. It is possible to compete over intimacy but that is likely to be self-defeating. Intimacy requires empathy – the ability to stand in another’s shoes.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimacy
Feeling or atmosphere of closeness and openness towards someone else, not necessarily involving sexuality
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/intimacy
1. Intimate – marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity; "intimate friend"; "intimate relations between economics, politics, and legal …
2. Intimate – cozy: having or fostering a warm or friendly and informal atmosphere; "had a cozy chat"; "a relaxed informal manner"; "an intimate cocktail lounge"; "the small room was cozy and intimate"
3. Intimate – familiar: having mutual interests or affections; of established friendship; "on familiar terms"; "pretending she is on an intimate footing with those she slanders"
4. Intimate – involved in a sexual relationship; "the intimate (or sexual) relations between husband and wife"; "she had been intimate with many men"; "he touched her intimate parts"
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
Hmmmmmmmmm….. I like the wikipedia version that includes: ‘The rituals of connection’ and The requirement of ‘compassion’.
Woven throughout the long 4 day weekend was the experience of intimacy. How is this so when it was an experience of many thousands of people all within a relatively small space? Perhaps it is the safety of numbers. Perhaps it is the safety of speaking a personal truth within the cacophony of complex sound.
We are so quick to share so much of ourselves. All the fine corners of Who-We-Are. And we are quick, as in the above definitions to equate sexuality with intimacy… We think that to share our bodies… We share our souls.
Or to share a simple familiarity. To share our secrets. Our stories. The exterior litany of our self appointed labels.
But it is much more difficult to share our deepest fears… Our deepest pain… The way we stumble. Our weak places. Our yearnings. The quiet core of our vulnerability. To allow the light of day to shine on this aspect of Who-We-Are takes bravery… Or tequila.
And that brings me to the timeless philosophical question of: If sharing the intimate place of deep vulnerability is expressed and is not heard… Does it make a sound? Is it then real? Or not?
Is the potential for true intimacy then lost?
And if the vulnerability of intimacy is experienced/heard… Perhaps then we experience the value of intimacy that involves compassion. Empathy. The ritual of Being-Heard. The reflection of knowing that: Healing occurs when grief is heard by a caring other.
So it can be said that to share our deepest vulnerability… And to be HEARD… Is a simple yet profound path to being less vulnerable. To allow the gentle release of our tendency to stumble. To embrace a clear, vibrant expression of Who-We-Are…
Hmmmmmmmm….
—Leonie | no comments
(posted in the Leonie's Musing category)
Dancing With Grief
May 21, 2009, 1:33 amMay 17, 2009: A glorious beautiful day in The Pacific Northwest. Stretched out with the warm sun at home… Battling ‘The Grief Monster’.We all have monsters in the closet. The Grief Monster retreats with time and then jumps out at the least expected moments and drops me to my knees. I must say I really do not ‘battle’ with the GM. I dance. She roars out of the closet and I step into her arms and Feel-My-Way.
I seek the understanding of the question: What is the dance today? Fast, slow, wild, quiet? Is it a dance of inertia or a dance of chaos? In the dance, I feel the rhythm… The pace… First I yield and allow myself to be lead… Then when it feels right… I take the lead. In contra dancing (my passion) there is a move called a ‘gypsy’ where you look deeply into the eyes of your partner and dance around in a circle… Allowing the energy to pull you both into a powerful swing. I gypsy with the GM and choose the moment of… Contact. And surrender to the dance. Grief can not be ignored, fought, finished, processed, analyzed or gone around… It must be gone through.
Grief has no ‘closure’…. Closure is a myth. As there are no ‘stages’. Grief remains an ever present shadow… A shadow that I will not be engulfed by… But I also do not deny.
All of us will one day dance with the shadow of grief. To love is to lose. And as many of us move into the time of our life where we have more years behind than ahead… Loss will continue and even accelerate. Learning to dance with the GM is part of the journey.
My Beloved Joe died 5 years ago… A devastating loss. Why did the GM roar out of the closet today? My feisty, strange, squeaky black cat Kalika has disappeared. She is 13 years old and has been a wonderful companion. She disappeared in the night. And I worry about the predators… Coyote, lynx, cougar all live close. So last night I asked for an answer in the dream time. What happened to you Kalika? Then just as I was falling asleep… Literally just outside of my window, in the short space between the house and the woods. Coyotes talking… And I could hear the packs puppies. I hear them make noise in the valley or in the woods. But I have never heard them this close. This was my answer. It brought huge heaving sobs from my core. The GM in full force. And all the flotsam that flows with it. In the dark… In the night… The GM’s favorite time to sneak out of the closet.
Today I walked in the woods searching for confirmation. But found none. But I know in my Heart she is gone. And the shadow remains. Quieter in the bright sun but a shadow nonetheless. And of course the loss of Kalika reflects on the others who have transitioned from my little family… 5 years ago my Beloved Joe died… My constant companions in those early days of the grief journey were my animal family. Redboy my beautiful horse. Kalika the feisty cat… And Sophie, my Alaskan Malamute, my wolfie sister. Redboy died 2 years ago… Now Kalika… And next to me now is dear aging Sophie. Who is fading.
Dancing indeed.
—Leonie | no comments
(posted in the Leonie's Musing category)
New Toys
May 11, 2009, 9:33 pmHome… Sun dropping lower in the western sky…
Just finished 3 long days working my job at The Family Birth Center at Providence St Peter Hospital. More about this later.
But as of note, I am writing this on my new remote keyboard. I just bought it today. It is much more comfortable than my laptop keyboard and I do not have to hold my laptop. I am imagining curling up with this light, comfortable keyboard without even looking at the computer screen. I think my range is pretty far so can even imagine being outside writing!
2 points about this: One, I am going to write more with out ‘watching’ what I write and editing as I go along. An attempt at freeing the writer from the critic. The next point is it feels a bit more like journaling. I have never journaled at a desk… I always am in comfortable, cozy places & positions. I think my journal and favorite pen are a little sad. But I will always have a place for my pen and paper journal. It is where i have always poured out my flowing and at times raging Heart… And some things are still for my eyes only but still beg to be written out. I have told my daughter that the day she may or may not read my journals after I am gone… To remember. They are where I churn… They are where I pout… They are my catharsis. They are the extreem. Valuable? Absolutely! But not really a clear view of a lifetime.
Life IS all of the above but so much more. So pen & journal still have a place. But here is where I intend to play… To explore… To imagine. Yes… I very much like this keyboard: Microsoft Wireless Laser 6000, $49.99 on coupon sale at Costco. Across the room into my 5 year old Dell laptop. Then to my website blog… Then to my Facebook page. (A single key stroke does it all) Technology is not going anywhere… I am diving in.
—Leonie | no comments
(posted in the Leonie's Musing category)
Be Home Now
May 7, 2009, 12:55 pmLeonie’s Musings… In my Passion Place… At Home… Chehalis… May 7, 2009
What is this place/experience/way of being where Who-I-Am moves past boundaries and finds a clear expression of Now. This place where ‘it’ all moves away from the forefront… Where everything melts into no/thing. This is not meditation. Meditation is silence. Meditation is the Still Point. This is a moment after. This is a moment of Being that is clear, comfortable, safe, warm… Alive. The gentle edge of possibility. The place of no fear. The place of no need. The place of no separation.
How does one ‘arrive’ here?
Pure, unbounded joy can bring you here… Not the experience that is bringing joy… That experience too has to melt away… But the moment it does melt away and you find yourself fully present. Now.
Sensuality/sexuality can bring you here. Not always. You can have great fulfilling sex and not arrive in the Now. But again with the right partner in the right Way-of-Being… The experience of sensuality melts… The experience of ‘the other’ melts… And you discover Now.
Other physical expressions will bring you here. Pushing the body to move past the body. Running, dancing, swimming in saltwater. The moment of Now can arrive.
So pure Joyful expression… Deep full hearted sexuality. Physical activity to the place of release. Will all bring you to Now.
Here is the paradox. What can also bring you to Now… Is searing, full throated… Pain. Loss. Grief. Again everything melts into no/thing. The boundaries are stripped away. It is a way to move through difficulty. To surrender to it.
I can continue the list… Everyone has their own. But it is an interesting observation that we humans, especially smart insightful humans. Have long lists of what to ‘Do’ so that we can ‘Be’.
So I offer another path Home… For beyond any other way I can describe Being Now… The word HOME arises. I embrace the Knowing… That ‘Be Home Now’… Is a simple CHOICE. That is any moment… I can choose to Be Home Now… In any Breath. So Be It.
—Leonie | no comments
(posted in the Leonie's Musing category)
The Seed
May 6, 2009, 4:59 pmA wildly rainy day here in the NW… A good day to be inside.
I have the intention to wake up my writers voice. She is quite rusty. Creativity can be so elusive. For me the block is between my thoughts and the page. If I could ‘think’ a book I would have a library published.
Speaking also flows well for me. I have tried to speak my writing into a tape machine but it does not work very well. It is too stagnant. I can facilitate a retreat, class or workshop because it is very much a dynamic interchange. It is moving energy & information between myself, the participants & the environment. I have thought about taping my sessions. But I would need to notify the participants and the presence of a recording devise changes how the flow/interchange occurs. The recording devise becomes an observer. This reflects the principle of quantum physics that the very nature of observing… Changes what is observed.
So I struggle…
But here is an interesting format. The blog. I am thinking into a page. I am speaking silently. And here is the key difference. I am doing so to a perceived audience. Whether anyone reads or ‘hears’ this or not. It is very public. Public to anyone who journeys to my website… Or reads this on Facebook. A subtle shift in perception… But a shift nonetheless. And perception creates reality.
I have a book(s) inside of me. I want to birth them. This is my experiment to see if this format can help me do so. This may be quite raw & sloppy. I give myself permission to just write. And at the same time I commit to writing. Daily. I said it.
So Be It.
A David Whyte poem:
www.panhala.net/Archive/What_to_Remember_When_Waking.html
—Leonie | no comments
(posted in the Leonie's Musing category)
My First Blog
May 5, 2009, 7:28 pmWhat a concept… A place to allow wandering thoughts. I have not blogged before. I have journaled since I could hold a pen. So what is a blog? I guess it is a very public journal. In the photo of me on the opening page of my website… I am writing. I wonder if anyone is ever curious about what I am writing?
So Leonie’s musings is created… Musings… Muse is ‘thoughtful attention’ or to ‘be absorbed in thought’. It is also the 9 Greek and Roman Goddess’s who preside over the arts & sciences. Or also ‘a woman who is an inspiration for creativity’.
My Heart is my Muse… She is where my Wisdom lives…
And for today it is a simple exploration of how this all works… How to manage the blog portion of my website… And then how to feed it to Facebook… And next… I want to split my website. As my business grows I want ‘Embracing Wisdom’ to have her own face/presence, especially as more people are involved. So I want to move my blog to a personal website that is linked with Embracing Wisdom… I could hire a computer guru to do all this. But I have a desire to understand how it all works so I can manage it myself. To understand the weaving of the connections…
The computer universe is a reflection of the quantum field… The Divine… She pushes us to wake up! That is what I love about Facebook… The interesting connection and sycronisity that appear. Life is strange & wonderful! Back to the nuts & bolts…
—Leonie | no comments
(posted in the Leonie's Musing category)
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